I may well have ranted about this previously. Sue me, I’m not a librarian, I’m too lazy to look back, this rant is all yours for free and damn it, it stands saying twice.
- Don’t buy a house next to an alleyway/public right of way. People wee in them, PEOPLE crap in them even. Yes, I know, but believe me, they do. People have noisy drunken sex in them. In some places its probably not even drunken sex. It probably isn’t even good sex. People jack up in them and leave sharps behind. Dogs crap in them and their owners walk blithely on, trusting that they’re hidden by the fences either side and so don’t need to pick it up. Sometimes, piles of grass cuttings appear; I wonder where from? People drop drinks cans, kebabs they can’t finish and all matter of other crap that will keep the local foxes (even the wild ones) and rats happy. You may get burgled too btw. The worst thing though, and this is unconscionable, is that BLOODY WALKERS will have the temerity to want to use the alleyway/public right of way.
- Don’t buy a house with a bus shelter outside. Well. For a start, you’ll have people wanting to catch a bus hanging round outside your house. Yes, they’re thoughtless and should just get a car, but let’s move on. This is outrageous really, but buses will come to a halt by bus shelters to pick up passengers. This is nothing to do with convenience for passengers, oh no. The bus company has chosen that particular spot because they know that you don’t realise net curtains are see-through when you have the lights on in your bedroom as you’ve wandered in from the shower. You should complain. Hell, it’s easier than closing your curtains. Oh and people will probably talk to each other whilst in the shelter; you could report this as anti-social behaviour.
- Don’t buy a house by a school. Well, I suppose you can be forgiven if the school is decent and you want to get your kid in by postcode. If not though, you won’t appreciate the litter, from both the parents and the children, the dreadfully inconsiderate parking of the parents (and we wonder why our kids are porkers) and the noise the little sods make whenever they’re outside.
- I’m pretty sure now that I have ranted about all this previously. I’m sorry. I’m way too idle to check though, so I’ll carry on and if any of you can be arsed, you can see if my rant is consistent.
- Don’t buy a house with a drive lower than the road or a cellar at about the same level as the road. Very rarely, there may be a LOT OF RAIN, because this is the UK. It could be http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/100-year_flood or http://www.dsd.gov.hk/TC/Files/flood_prevention/flood_protection_standards/standard02.pdf . Yeah, I know, lots of science and formulae and so on. It is heavy stuff. In short, sometimes it rains a lot and the sewers weren’t designed for such downpours; be prepared. By ‘be prepared’ I mean get a yard gulley installed or umm …put your wellies on.
- Don’t buy a house with a tree in the footway outside it. You’ll love it when you first view the house. “Isn’t it lovely and leafy?” you’ll say. Then you move in and notice that your car is awfully sticky and horrid from the secretions of the aphids having a ball living in the lime tree outside your house. Tsk, the council should chop it down. What, the council won’t chop it down because they think the tree is important to the visual and environmental amenity of the area? Oh no, you can’t get a satellite TV signal because of the 80 year old tree in your street? I’m no tree hugger, but just shush and get Cable TV instead.
- Don’t buy a house in a terraced street if you feel you have a Divine Right to park outside your house. This is the path to misery. Buy such a house and just be grateful if you get to park in your own street. And if you live in a one way street, please learn to execute reversing in quickly, as people aren’t patient. A resident in my street has a plastic pig older than Del Boy’s; it’s an absolute bugger to reverse up to.
- Don’t buy a house with a street light outside if you consider (a) voile curtains don’t make whatever you’re doing in there visible to everyone and (b) you can’t sleep with the light on.
- Don’t buy a house in a cul-de-sac or minor estate road if you’re desperate to see a gritting wagon pass by. They generally won’t pass by, because they’re busy keeping the main roads as clear as possible. The idea is that, once you get to a main road, you can get somewhere.
- Don’t expect a parking space if you buy a house with no off-street parking. Yeah, I know, revisiting number 7 a bit, but it felt odd to end on number 9. To make it different then, I’ll dedicate this one to residents’ only parking schemes. Weirdly, if you want traffic wardens to visit and check people aren’t parking in your street who shouldn’t be, they’ll want paying, so it costs. Are you paying full whack for this service? No, you’re not. The rest of us are subsidising it.
- Don’t buy a house next to a park or public open space. I thought I was done at number 9, but I’ve had a second wind. See, people want to visit parks and open spaces. They want to take their kids there, their dogs there, they want to play football of a Sunday morning. Selfish, noisy bastards. You think you’ve bought a house with a lovely view, next to a beautiful park, then all these noisy gits show up to enjoy their local space. You should definitely complain about it.
- Don’t buy an apartment with no parking space allocated if you have a car. Because there is no parking space allocated for your car.